


My Angel

by songofhell



Series: Falling For You [3]
Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 21:24:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7008706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songofhell/pseuds/songofhell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After discovering that Aziraphale cannot love him, Crowley has to make a decision - to stand by his side and hope for the best, or to leave before he gets hurt any worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Angel

Crowley sat on his couch, staring at the blank TV screen. It was all too much and he couldn’t even think coherently. Perhaps he should turn on the TV, distract himself for a bit… but he didn’t seem to be able to move to reach for the remote.[1] Every time he closed his eyes, he either saw burning red or bright blue eyes staring at him, and he didn’t know which was worse.

He didn’t understand. Sure, Aziraphale was a demon now, but he was still _Aziraphale,_ falling couldn’t change that. Which meant that everything he was now had always been a part of him, somewhere deep down. It must be the inability to love, to feel compassion, that was pushing him off the edge, allowing him to fall into his darker desires of killing people. Of all the concerns that Crowley had had about Aziraphale becoming a demon, that one had never occurred to him.

He had thought the no-longer-angel would become resentful, would hate what he had become and shut himself off from the world, off from Crowley…. So wasn’t this better, in a way? At least he wanted to be with him. At least he was happy. But it was just so wrong. Aziraphale without love was something that just could not be.

And Crowley couldn’t understand it. Sure, demon’s as a rule were unable to love. But Crowley could, and if any other could, it would have to be Aziraphale, wouldn’t it? He was more likely to love than Crowley, so why couldn’t he? Or perhaps the question that needed asking was how could Crowley?

Before everything had gone to Hell,[2] Aziraphale had suggested that Crowley’s ability to love came from the vast amount of time the demon had spent on Earth. But Aziraphale had been on Earth just as long as he had been, had clearly been affected by at least almost as much,[3] and now… what? All of that just went away the second the angel fell?

But of course! Aziraphale hadn’t gained the ability to love from Earth. As an angel, it was something that he had always had, something that all angels would lose when they fell. And Aziraphale had not been on Earth long as a demon, and therefore had not yet gained from it the ability to love. _Yet_ being the operative word.

Of course, there was no guarantee that the Earth would affect Aziraphale the same way it had Crowley. But surely since it had had such an affect on him when he was an angel… but then there was no telling how long it could take for him to learn to love as a demon. How long did Crowley wait before he would be forced to come to the conclusion that it was never going to happen?

How long had it taken Crowley to fall in love with Aziraphale? Quite a while. Then again, hadn’t really had a chance to until after the Arrangement had begun, and even then, it wasn’t as though Aziraphale was trying to get him to love. And that would be the difference.

He would remind Aziraphale of how to love; he would stand by him every single day for as long as it took, and he would never give up. Aziraphale was the best thing in his life, and even if he could not return his love, what they had now was still better than nothing. Not that that mattered because he _would_ get him back.

Right now, though, he needed to sleep. It had been a long day.

Crowley slept restlessly for a couple of hours until he heard the door of his bedroom open and he looked up to see Aziraphale standing unsurely in the doorway. “Sorry.” He rubbed his hand over the back of his neck, looking at the wall above Crowley’s head. “I’ve begun to understand why you enjoy sleeping, and I don’t have a bed at the bookshop.… I can go, if you want me to.”

Silence stretched between them as Crowley forced himself to look at the other demon. Despite everything he had decided, he still found it hard to look at Aziraphale, knowing just how far he had fallen. “Stay,” he finally managed to mutter.

Aziraphale noticeably relaxed, finally looking at his boyfriend with a soft smile. “I knew you would come around.”

“I do have a condition.”

Aziraphale arched an eyebrow at him. “What is it?”

“Go on a date with me.”

“A date?”

“Yes, you know, what normal couples do. We can go to the Ritz.”

Aziraphale’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “How is that any different from what we used to do?”

“Because it will have a different meaning.”

He frowned slightly. “I’m just not sure that I see the point in going out together when we now live together.”

“Well, it’s my condition. It will be fun, Aziraphale, trust me.”

“Well, alright, then,” he sighed. “Tomorrow?”

Crowley smiled. “It’s a date.” He patted the space beside him. “Now, come to bed.”

Aziraphale returned his smile as he climbed into bed beside him. Crowley immediately curled into his side, resting his head on his chest. “Tha’s better,” he murmured as he got comfortable. Aziraphale rested a hand on his head, stroking his hair. This was the most comfortable feeling in the world, as far as Crowley was concerned. He was home in Aziraphale’s arms, complete, except now it also felt cold, as though his home had a draft. Every other time they had laid like this, it was the most loved that Crowley had ever felt, but now he knew that that was just his imagination, and it stopped Aziraphale’s embrace from warming his heart. He couldn’t pull away, though. If he was ever going to reach Aziraphale, he had to act as though nothing had changed. He had to remind Aziraphale of how great the love they shared was. Which was why he had chosen to take him to the Ritz. 

It felt so familiar leading Aziraphale inside the next day and sitting down across from him at their usual table. He had finally managed to convince him to borrow a pair of his sunglasses, so he wasn’t turning quite as many heads as he had been, as of late. Crowley ordered them their usual before he turned to Aziraphale with a smile.

“Isn’t this nice, angel?” he asked as he reached across the table to take hold of the hand resting there. 

Aziraphale pulled away before he could reach him and Crowley could imagine the irritation that must be in the eyes behind the glasses. “Really, Crowley? I would think at this point you would remember that I am no longer an angel, so it then stands to reason that you are only continuing to call me that because you are in denial.”

Crowley took a deep breath. “That’s not true.”

Aziraphale arched a skeptical brow. “Oh, really?”

“Aziraphale.” He pursued his hand again, this time not letting him escape. “I know that you are a demon, and I can accept that, but it does not change what you are to me. You are _my_ angel. It’s not a species, it’s what you are to me. You make me better, you bring light into my life. Maybe it used to have a different meaning when I first called you that, but now it’s something that can never change, no matter what you become. It’s my way of telling you a little bit of what you mean to me, and I’m done avoiding it, angel.”

They sat in silence for a few moments, Crowley staring determinedly at Aziraphale, and the latter staring down at their hands. Eventually, he raised his head, the corners of his lips curled up slightly. “I’m surprised you think of me bettering you as a good thing.”

Crowley blinked once.[4] “Well, I don’t, of course,” he amended quickly. “I was just stating a fact.”[5]

“Mmhm,” Aziraphale hummed with a slight smirk before he sobered slightly. “I suppose it is true now more than ever, though. You are now the better of the two of us.”

“Aw, don’t say that,” Crowley groaned. 

“It’s true.”

“No.” He crossed his arms, stubbornly. “I can’t be the better one of us. I refuse.” He glanced to the side, at what looked to be a business lunch between two prestigious looking women. A moment later, one of them began loudly complaining about how the dishes the waiter had just sat down weren’t at all what they ordered. Crowley turned back to an amused Aziraphale, satisfied. 

“Oh, yes, dear. You are pure evil.”

“Yes, I am,” he huffed dramatically. 

Aziraphale gave a small sigh as he leaned back in his chair. “I think I’m ready for our food now.” He looked over to the kitchen door expectantly, and at that precise moment a waiter emerged with their order.

Crowley knew that it would take much more than a nice lunch and a few sappy words to remind Aziraphale of what it was to love, but the smile on the fallen angel’s face when he thanked him for lunch was enough to tell him that it was a step in the right direction. And he wouldn’t give up. Ever. He didn’t care how long it took – there was only one thing in the universe that he considered worthy of his faith, and that was Aziraphale. It was not just a desperate hope that Crowley had, it was a sure knowledge that he would get through to him.

Now it had been ten years since Aziraphale had become a demon, and Crowley was no less determined, and no less in love with his angel. 

“You know I know what you’re doing, right?” Aziraphale murmured thoughtfully as he traced various shapes on the back of Crowley’s hand. 

“Of course. I’m trolling the people of internet to cause turmoil. It’s not that hard to figure out.”

“That’s not what I meant, my dear. I meant that I know what you’re doing with me.”

Crowley fingers froze over the keyboard. “I’m dating you,” he stated without inflection, keeping his eyes trained on the screen. 

Aziraphale gave a soft sigh. “Most people would have given up by now, but I still see no hesitation in you. It takes the kind of faith that I used to encourage humans to have. And they only ever had half of the faith that you have in me.”

Crowley looked down at his lap, sadness touching his concealed eyes that he knew Aziraphale would be able to sense. “Are you saying I’m foolish?”[6]

“Ten years ago, I thought you were, but I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want you to stop. It… felt nice that you cared so much, even if I couldn’t feel the same.”

“And what about now?” Crowley muttered.

“Now I think that you are amazing, that your faithfulness to me is something to be admired.”

Crowley raised his head slightly, afraid to hope. But that really wasn’t a very demony thing to say. It was an _Aziraphale_ thing to say.

“How do you do it?” he continued curiously. 

Crowley slowly raised his head the rest of the way, his sunglasses sliding down his nose so that yellow eyes met red.[7] “I love you,” He said simply, but the words tore at him inside. He hadn’t ever dared to utter them in such plain a sense, since he knew that the sentiment was not returned. He didn’t think he could bear saying it, knowing that Aziraphale would not say it back. But it was the only answer he could give, and the pain was worth telling Aziraphale what he needed to know.

Aziraphale closed his eyes, as though letting the words sink in. "I think…” He opened his eyes again, and somehow the red seemed softer, not as jarring. “That I may be falling in love with you again, too.”

Crowley’s breath caught. “Really?” The hope he felt was now tangible in his voice.

Aziraphale smiled. “Yes. I love you, Crowley.”

“I love you too, angel.”

* * *

 

[1] Normally the reason for this kind of thing with Crowley could be simply summed up with sloth. However, currently it was more that his incoherent thoughts were preventing his command to move from reaching his arm.

[2] Or rather, before Aziraphale had gone to Hell.

[3] Crowley knew for a fact that it was not common practice of angels to covet books.

[4] It was a rare occurrence, something that really only happened whenever he was caught off guard.

[5] As a demon, it was of course an awful thing to be being bettered, but by the time Crowley had realized it was happening, it was too late to start fighting it. And if he was perfectly honest with himself, he didn’t want to.

[6] Foolish was what most demons thought of people with faith, after all.

[7] Aziraphale never wore sunglasses more than he had to, insisting that that was Crowley’s style, not his. Crowley secretly believed that the real reason was to remind the other demon of what he now was.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last part of this series, so I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
